


by the time i'm done my sunday morning coffee

by gemincri



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Domestic, Angst, F/M, M/M, Polyamory, fear of intimacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-24 01:09:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16630010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gemincri/pseuds/gemincri
Summary: No matter how much you loved them both, you were afraid that one day their affection and patience for you won’t be enough.





	by the time i'm done my sunday morning coffee

**Author's Note:**

> lowkey a vent post but i love this drabble

Love is not something you can measure, it is more than pounds and tons, inches or miles. It is not promising the sun, the moon and all their birthed stars. Love is about how the flame in your heart licks your rib cage, igniting your bones so you feel warm enough. Enough. Loving someone should simply be  _enough_. Or at least that’s what you thought. With every muscle and vein in your body you loved them, that was true but as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. But, shouldn’t how endorphins run rapid in your brain be enough since that is an action? A reaction, a chemical reaction and don’t those in love have chemistry? And isn’t it simple science how your muscles lock up every time one of them touches you for you know that their love is far beyond brotherly? It was pure agony how your body turns to steel, nothing more than a robot with locked gears in their presence.

You were constantly at war with your brain and your fucked up animal instincts. Love was not something scary, or at least that’s what your mother told you. In response you wanted to scream, but then why do I get a sickening spike of adrenaline every time someone says I love you in the romantic sense. Though, life is just had the cruelest sense of humor. Why is it that you — anxieties and all — have two people that cherish you deeply.

Min Yoongi and Kim Taehyung were the biggest enigmas in your short existence. They were the complete opposite of each and other. The sun and the moon, fire and water, yin and yang, push and pull, and all those other analogies. Despite all of this, one cannot be without the other. Yoongi was logical and practical, he liked numbers and order. While, Taehyung was sporadic and passionate, he was a mess in the most articulate way. As Yoongi was perfectionist, he got lost within himself, but Taehyung taught him to love life’s mistakes. As Taehyung was an ever moving hurricane, he would get overwhelmed easily, but Yoongi showed Taehyung to be patient with himself. What they did share was the fondness in their gaze while they dragged their eyes all over your form as if you were a painting.

How these two came into your life was not that of a raging storm, but a soft rain shower. You met them both in your psychology class. The professor began to lecture about Freud and his backwards analysis of how the human brain works when Taehyung leaned close to you to make a poor joke about “you could say he was a Mama’s boy” to which Yoongi slapped him in the back of the head. Taehyung only giggled, keeping his attention on you to see your reaction. If he wasn’t so close you might have snorted, but with his minty breath brushing against your face, you only gave a shaky smile. Once the professor signaled the end of the lecture, you race out feeling nauseous, but that wasn’t the last time you saw them. For some reason they both grew intrigued with you and craved to be more than fellow peers. The budding friendship was slow and estranged mainly due to you. It was hard to get close to new people, but Taehyung and Yoongi were patient even though they didn’t understand your jumpy behavior. It wasn’t until one day when Taehyung confessed that both he and Yoongi liked you more than friends and when you completely shut down did they understand. Being the more reasonable one Yoongi suggested to just take it slow with no need for labels, but you were scared of the day it wouldn’t be enough.

~*~

Shivering, you crack an eye open to see the autumnal sunlight creeping from the blinds. Rolling over, you push your face further into the back pillows hoping to catch some more sleep. That wish was quickly stomped out when you heard bare feet patting against the hardwood floor followed by a yawn. You then remember you had slept over Yoongi and Taehyung’s apartment. You all decided to go to a party (both you and Yoongi needing more convincing) and it was easier just for you to sleep over. Of course, you refused. Sleeping within their home was just too intimate for your liking, but you made a promise you would at least try to show you do indeed care for these two. That didn’t mean, you were completely comfortable. You basically begged to sleep on the couch and forgone borrowing Yoongi’s clothes. Just sleeping where they once had and to have Yoongi’s scent flow from the fabric to your nose was too close, it was more than enough for you.

Running a hand through your hair, you lift yourself up into a sitting position. You ignore how gross you felt still clad in last night’s clothes, and wrapped the blanket around yourself as an extra layer of protection. Staring at the coffee table, you hear someone turn on the faucet, filling up multiple containers up with water. You peer over the back of the couch to see Yoongi turning on the coffee machine along with putting two mugs in the microwave, a tea bag in one of them. A smile makes a home on your lips knowing that Yoongi remembered that you drank tea in the morning. Deciding it was time to get up, you shuffle into the kitchen, not even startling the tired man before you. Waiting for your tea to be done, you sit at the dining room table watching Yoongi stare at the coffee machine as if it will make it brew faster. It felt oddly domestic and instead of feeling a spike of anxiety, warmth settled in your chest.  _Baby steps, baby steps_ , you tell yourself hope lingering in your tone.

Thundering, heavy footsteps break the quiet atmosphere. Around the corner appears Taehyung, ruffling his hair with drooping eyelids. As if second nature, he kisses Yoongi on the cheek to which the older man returns, making you smile once again. Taehyung looks over to you to see the fond expression on your face a giant hop from the blank face you had months ago. Understanding his boundaries, Taehyung simply pats your bedhead whispering, “Good morning, Y/N.”

At that point the microwave beeps signaling that the drinks were now filled with hot water. Yoongi silently goes to grab the mugs, slapping away Taehyung’s hand when he goes to help. “Just let me do this,” he gently begs. To many people, they would see Yoongi as a cold, heartless man but in reality he craved to take care of those he love, sometimes even babying them. That’s just how he showed love, making sure those around him were happy and healthy to the point he forgets that he needs to care for himself, too. He was truly a selfless man. While Taehyung showed love a lot more physically than his partner. Hugs, kisses, and head pats were just how he showed that he wanted you there and wanted that intimacy in return. It took awhile for Taehyung to not be so touchy with you, slipping up every now and then but you were willing to forgive, just for him. It was the most precious thing in the world how his face lit up on the days were you felt safe enough to link pinkies with him.  

The whirling of the coffee machine sings in your ears as Yoongi grabs the milk from the fridge, slamming it shut, the jars rattling. He simply first pours the hot cocoa mix into Taehyung’s mug along with the milk, giving him the spoon knowing how much he liked to watch the drink turn from white to his favorite warm, brown, chocolatey beverage. He pours the milk in your tea along with lots of sugar, leaving the tea bag in just how you like it. Sipping on his hot cocoa not caring about his burnt tongue, Taehyung pulls a chair next to yours, basking in being with his two favorite people. Your mug clatters when Yoongi softly places your morning drink in front of you taking a gulp of his black coffee, welcoming how the bitter drink perks him up. He goes to sit across you at the table, almost scared to disturb the peace that has settled between you all. These moments weren’t rare by any means but they were short when one of you break it with worries and propositions. It was no secret how much him and Taehyung wanted for you to be included in their relationship, but your fears and inexperience (rooted by those fears) got in the way. Yoongi was one that understood more than anyone how much of a bitch any type of anxiety can be, but god did he want to hold and show you just how special you were to them both. I love you were words that always pleaded to drip from the tip of his tongue, but for your sake. he swallowed them ignoring how they sat in his throat just to be regurgitated back onto the muscle.

Yoongi glanced over his mug at you before placing it down with sigh.

“Y/N—” Yoongi began only for you to cut him off.

“I already know what you’re going to say and I don’t want to hear it.” You slam your cup down not caring how some of the tan liquid slips over onto the table.

“Yoongi, stop,” Taehyung spoke, just wanting to have docile time with each other for once.

“No, I’m starting to grow worried, Y/N. Have you even tried to go?” His eyebrows pull up, an exasperated expression his face. You only remained silent, knowing you answer will only make him angry.

“Y/N,” Yoongi bit out.

“Stop scolding me about it!” You bark, now clutching your mug so hard you were afraid you were going to break it.

“I only am because I’m concerned and it’s almost like you don’t even want to try. As much as I want to wait forever, we aren’t getting any younger.”

“Yoongi,” Taehyung spoke again but with a dark expression on his face.

“Weren’t you the one who said to be patient and to take it slow! Forcing me to go to therapy—”

“You were never forced!” Yoongi slammed his hands on the table causing you and Taehyung to flinch as the mugs shake. “You were the one to suggested it and I just helped you find the correct clinic. Can’t see I’m trying to help you?”

“I don’t want your help,” you yell, loathing how your heart falls into your stomach in dread. Arguing with any of them always makes your throat burn in agony.

“And why that?” Yoongi fumed, his eyes sharp like daggers.

“Because I’m scared!” You finally explain, sobbing into your hands. Taehyung’s dark expression shattered seeing how broken you looked as Yoongi felt piercing guilt. “I’m so scared that the therapy won’t work and I still be this deformed human. That I will never be able to love you both freely and I will forever be trapped within myself. That I will never be enough. That my retracted love won’t be enough. I would give anything to not feel like I’m going to throw up any time you guys show me any type of affection. I’m sick of being stuck in my own brain. I want to be able to say I love you without it feeling like I will die right after!”

In complete exhaustion you sink to the floor and Taehyung following you not letting you be alone after that confession as Yoongi runs around the table to squat in front of you. Still sobbing you reach out for the both as child does for their mother. You clutch onto their shirt pulling them closer until they hesitantly wrap their arms around your shaking body. You shove your face into Taehyung’s shoulder as Yoongi places his cheek on your head. “One day I will say I love you with confidence,” you whimper, ignoring the cold sweat on your back but they both just shush you.

“Just holding you is enough,” Taehyung affirmed.

“You are enough,” Yoongi emphasized.

And maybe you were, enough.


End file.
